taking the first step

The first time around, it’s hard to grow into the person you actually want to be. We’re all living for the first time, which means a lot of trial and error. Somewhere along the way, you drift into a version of yourself that feels miles away from who you thought you’d be.

@abigailgamba

Vintage Lace Top, DANIELLE GUIZIO Black Mini Skirt, VICTORIA’S SECRET Bralette, ZARA Black Boots, Thrifted Jewels (courtesy of roomie)

But our past mistakes don’t dictate who we really are, and they don’t get to decide who we can become. Your first draft doesn’t have to be your final one. You can still unlearn, start over, and change the story.

One of the hardest parts about changing your life is realizing it doesn’t happen all at once. You don’t just wake up one day as this new, better version of yourself. It’s slow. It’s uncomfortable. And in the beginning, it can feel really hopeless.

@jenaeholmes_

Thrifted Sheer Tie Top, VICTORIA’S SECRET White Bralette, Thrifted Belt, PACSUN Jeans, ZARA Heels, Thrifted Jewels

When I first played around with the idea of sobriety, I thought it would just mean not drinking. I didn’t realize it would mean actually getting to know myself—deep down, underneath all the damage I’d done. Nobody tells you that part. Having a clear mind for the first time in a long time forces you to sit with yourself without distractions. And that’s uncomfortable. But it’s necessary.

Because when you’re young, it’s so easy to let what other people think of you become who you are. People talk. Reputations form. And even if you don’t want to admit it, their opinions weigh on you. I started to believe that the bad decisions I had made added up to who I was as a person. And the only way out of that was to change.

@lea_gorham

The Real Real L’AGENCE Top, VICTORIA’S SECRET Bralette, MANGO Gold Belt, Thrifted Jewels, EDIKTED Jeans, AMAZON heels

The truth is, as much as other people’s opinions messed with me, I was my own worst enemy. I didn’t like who I was or what I stood for. And instead of facing that, I leaned further into being this exaggerated version of myself: loud, messy, confidence as a cover for insecurity. Substances made it easier to run from myself, but all they really did was push me further away.

The turning point was finally deciding I wasn’t going to let myself keep slipping into a life I wasn’t proud of. You can’t fix anything until you’re honest with yourself. If you can’t admit where you’re at, nothing will change. That’s why the very first step of AA says: “We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.” And honestly, that doesn’t just apply to addiction. Whether it’s substances, mental health, or trauma, you have to admit you can’t manage your life alone to make space for change.

Honesty is cool. And it’s brutal, because it forces you to look at all the things you used substances to forget. But the faster you face it, the sooner you can move forward into a life that actually feels like yours.

What I’ve learned since then is that change isn’t just building something new, it’s unlearning. Unlearning how you see yourself. Unlearning who people told you you were. Unlearning the idea that your past has to define you forever. None of that sticks unless you let it. But the only person who can rewrite your narrative is you.

@kendall.bartonnn

Thrifted Black Mesh Top, FASHION NOVA Bralette, EDIKTED Jeans, STEVE MADDEN Flats, Thrifted Jewels

And the beginning of that process is raw. It’s vulnerable. It’s stripping back and letting yourself be soft, letting yourself rebuild from the inside out. That’s what this part of my life has been: unlearning the old me and slowly becoming the version of myself I actually want to be.

Starting over is scary. Sitting in the discomfort is even scarier. But the sooner you choose to do it, the sooner you leave behind a world that never really felt like yours to begin with.

Now, looking at where I am today, I can say this past year has been the hardest and most uncomfortable of my life, but also the most important. Change isn’t a straight line, and it definitely isn’t easy. There have been moments where I wanted to give up, moments where it felt easier to fall back into old patterns. But every time I pushed through, I built a little more trust with myself.

@skylaengleking

Vintage THE LIMITED Mesh Top, VICTORIA’S SECRET Bralette, Vintage LEVIS Jeans, ZARA Kitten heels

And that’s the thing: change is the first step, and the only one who can make that change is you. You have to want it, you have to take the initiative. You can’t change anyone else, I’ve tried, but you can put that energy into yourself. And that’s the first step.

It’s not about becoming this perfect, polished version of yourself overnight. It’s about showing up, sitting in the emotions, and letting them shape you into someone you actually want to be.

It’s raw, it’s vulnerable, it’s exhausting, but it’s worth it. Because no matter how messy the process feels, nothing compares to finally starting to live a life that feels true to you.

@mikennaengleking

Vintage White Lace Tank, ZARA Jeans, OPEN EDIT Metallic Heels, Vintage Silver Arm Cuff, ETSY Bag, Thrifted Jewels

And this isn’t to say I’m anywhere near perfect now. I’m still learning and unlearning every single day. But I can confidently say I’m leading my life with more love, and living a lot realer than before. Right now, that’s all I can ask of myself, to keep going, to keep trying, and to keep becoming better.

I hope that as I continue to uncover my story, people who feel stuck will realize that it’s never too late to become a better you.

Love, Abbey